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Clancy:Survey Question

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"You can't go on because you're 'feeling funny'? In your case it's so rare, make the most of it!"

"My computer has a virus. I'm calling in sick."

Snowprov

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"That's actually my phone. When I answer my calls I get a little bit of a workout."

'This New Year you will be bathed in a sea of cash!...Hand on...Sorry. This New Year you will need a flea bath for some sort of rash.'

"I see you naked. A beautiful young woman is leaning over you... Oh, hang on. She's performing your autopsy."

'DO you know what time we start here?'

"Smite him, my son!"

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

Chicken: the one-man show

'That was Mr.Osgood, sir. He's just made his final payment.'

Comedy Rule

"Just be happy you're getting in, worry about your hair later."

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

"It's easy to test yourself. Go to sleep at night and if you wake up alive the next morning, you didn't die of Corona overnight."

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'Wow...This could be the beginning of a fantastic career...A sales coach is waiting for you. He wants to hire you as a bad example.'

"...And I don't want any resentments just because someone hits below the belt..."

'Sorry, your resume isn't funny enough.'

"Your early stuff was funnier."

"Please tell the king I've remembered the punchline."

'But your advert said, Fantastic view.' - 'She's out right now.'

'Don't get up until nine.' - 'What time is it now?'

'I gave him the old one-two, but then he gave me three, four, five, six, seven and eight!'

Bucky's dream of becoming a stand-up comedian ended abruptly the very first time he stepped into the spotlight.

"I want to be a stand up comic, but life's not crap enough."

"That wasn't very funny!"

'You had a lunch date, but I cancelled it because it was your turn to pay.'