Punchline Pro Gifts

Clancy:Survey Question

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"You can't go on because you're 'feeling funny'? In your case it's so rare, make the most of it!"

"My computer has a virus. I'm calling in sick."

Snowprov

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"That's actually my phone. When I answer my calls I get a little bit of a workout."

'This New Year you will be bathed in a sea of cash!...Hand on...Sorry. This New Year you will need a flea bath for some sort of rash.'

"I see you naked. A beautiful young woman is leaning over you... Oh, hang on. She's performing your autopsy."

'DO you know what time we start here?'

I think it's time to retire from boxing. I'm too old for life in the fist lane.

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

"Smite him, my son!"

"That's two tossed salads, one egg drop soup, and one pulled pork."

Chicken: the one-man show

'That was Mr.Osgood, sir. He's just made his final payment.'

Comedy Rule

"Just be happy you're getting in, worry about your hair later."

"It's easy to test yourself. Go to sleep at night and if you wake up alive the next morning, you didn't die of Corona overnight."

"Hey Ref - any chance you can get those buzzards to quit circling over my fighter?"

Phill Jupitus

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

'Wow...This could be the beginning of a fantastic career...A sales coach is waiting for you. He wants to hire you as a bad example.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

My birthday suit is out of fashion.

'But your advert said, Fantastic view.' - 'She's out right now.'

Have you been living in the moment, Al? Living in the moment? I thought you said I should be living it up in the moment! Frankly, the hangovers are killing me!

"Your early stuff was funnier."

'Sorry, your resume isn't funny enough.'

"Please tell the king I've remembered the punchline."

'Don't get up until nine.' - 'What time is it now?'

"...And I don't want any resentments just because someone hits below the belt..."

'I gave him the old one-two, but then he gave me three, four, five, six, seven and eight!'