Pun-loving Pub-goer Gifts

"You set 'em up with one of these babies, and they're good for the night."

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"He refuses to use these now they've made them gender nonspecific."

'I see adventure in your future. Yes. You're going to be a culinary adventure.'

Carpool lane (a car driving into a long pool).

The marketing is out there now. People all know the pizzas are prepared on the premises. So why no customers?

'Fancy a swift half?'

Ghost Scare-apy Sessions

Kind- hearted, nature-loving Jeff built a new improved bird table.

'I'm writing you a prescription for some people soup.'

Tunnel of Accountants: "You've been selected for a random audit."

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

"And another thing, it's real cool in the summer!"

'In the circumstances, I think we should skip the housewarming party.'

"I washed my kilt last night , now I can't do a fling with it!"

"Waiter, there aren't any flies in my soup!"

"Of course you're bored, sweetie. It's the fin de siècle."

"I said, ‘I hit on your sister!’"

'You give me goose bumps!'

Weather forecast

'Did you or did you not tell me to collect EVERYBODY'S glasses?'

'I wanted to go straight. . . but then I learned a law degree.'

The static electric eel is very rare.

'It's for my teacher. Do you have one with love spelled right?'

'No, I said put the money in the Caymen Islands.'

"Remember I promised you some fun and games in the bedroom?"

A robber halds up a hair salon with a hairdryer pointed at the customers - 'Hand over all your hair restorer or I'll blow you away!'

'I can't come out and play because I'm in 'Time-Out.' Although here at Grandma's it's more like 'Time-Out Lite.' '

"Being a 'fly on the wall' is way overrated."

Pavement artist.

"Valentine's Day has been good to me, but I had to diversify."

No, he's not metamorphosing. He's in a time-out.

'It's as I feared: you have got a novel in you.'

'You know that's not what I meant when I asked you to take the dog out!'

I'm starting to think you keep working on that thing just to avoid talking to me.