Pun Connoisseur Pillows

'My goodness, Mr. Grtptzsk -- how long has it been since you had a vowel movement?'

'Severe case of lead poisoning!'

'Caution, Cliche gag ahead' A Driver approaching a the old 'Fork in the road' gag ahead in the road

A Semicolon.

"He's right, Humpty. You don't have a leg to stand on."

'My client should get a shorter sentence since he did use 'Lol'.'

"Oh, it's not just the sign. Everything here is set in Comic Sans."

"My favourite movie is Mrs Fire, without doubt."

"I'm the designated driver, because all my friends are lit."

"Gentlemen, I'll be counting on your today."

Chicken Sand-Witch.

101 uses of a dead cat: prison

"It's a play on words."

'When they said they could find us a lateral hire who 'walked on water' I thought it was a figure of speech.'

See, Peanut? I told you that 'Melt in your mouth, not in your hand' line would get you in trouble someday!

St. Patrick's Day

Have You Been Naughty Or Nice?

While you were out I switched energy suppliers,dear.

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"Staff support"

"Ironically, this is the living room."

Copycats

Zombie standup

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"Talk nerdy to me."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

"I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal."

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

Dietician to man: 'To address your spare tire we must first get in touch with your inner tube.'

'Darling I want you to remember this always,,,'

'The history of Glue. It's impossible to put down.'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."