Pun Connoisseur Pillows

'My goodness, Mr. Grtptzsk -- how long has it been since you had a vowel movement?'

'Severe case of lead poisoning!'

'Caution, Cliche gag ahead' A Driver approaching a the old 'Fork in the road' gag ahead in the road

A Semicolon.

"He's right, Humpty. You don't have a leg to stand on."

'My client should get a shorter sentence since he did use 'Lol'.'

"Please don't call me names because you're feeling down in the mouth."

"Oh, it's not just the sign. Everything here is set in Comic Sans."

"My favourite movie is Mrs Fire, without doubt."

"I'm the designated driver, because all my friends are lit."

"Gentlemen, I'll be counting on your today."

Chicken Sand-Witch.

101 uses of a dead cat: prison

"It's a play on words."

'When they said they could find us a lateral hire who 'walked on water' I thought it was a figure of speech.'

See, Peanut? I told you that 'Melt in your mouth, not in your hand' line would get you in trouble someday!

St. Patrick's Day

Have You Been Naughty Or Nice?

While you were out I switched energy suppliers,dear.

After you...No, wait a minute... E. I. C.

Zoo. Meerkats. No, "meerkats" is just their name. Nobody's trying to make them feel insignificant.

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"Yes. I said 2 by 2, but you needed to use 2 by 4s for the Ark...begin again."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Staff support"

Copycats

Zombie standup

Unable to raise enough money for a trip to Paris, the Bartlesville High French Club had to settle for three days in Tulsa.

Today we'll see some misused or misunderstood financial and economic terms. It's said inflation can hurt the economy. But it's absolutely in the tire business. I bought this warm puffy jacket with cash. A down payment. We like beer and coffee. Our most valuable liquid assets. In a monopoly breakup, the race car would to go one person and the dog to another. And when I become either a buyer or a seller. He's shorting the market!

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal."