Pulpit Ponderer Gifts

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

"I'm SUPPOSED to be 'preachy'!"

"Bark or stare? Always a tough decision. Bark? Maybe stare? Whimper? Maybe? Meanwhile, stare."

"See this jelly wobbling. It was waving goodbye."

Thou Shalt Not!

'Wait a minute! What if this isn't just a puddle?! What if it's a huge, furious hibernating snowman?'

'I know it's hard to believe. But biological speaking, they're our closest relatives.'

Darwin first tested his theory in a letter to a magazine ('Lookalike' letter points to similarity between man and ape.)

"So you found an enormous truffle and still you weren't happy."

'The reports were right...he's using tools!'

Wall St Baptist: 'Life is exactly like the stock market exchange and we each have our own portfolio to manage.'

"Well, Mom, I guess you saw what happened."

'If only Darwin could have seen this!'

"OK, now you've gone back too far."

'Today, stocks dropped on poll numbers that 60% of people expected it to drop.'

Mankind

'Before we begin, let's say a little prayer for humility.'

'Now that's just low-down mean.'

'He's saying 'Enough bananas - I'm also a carnivore'.'

A tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it.

The Origin of Species

Elevator Repair School. First thing, forget the old saying "What goes up, must come down"!

'I think things went wrong for me in the fifth round.' 'In hindsight, was that a good time to begin meditating?'

Historic Moments in Human Evolution

Here in purgatory, you take a standardized test to determine if you get into the afterlife of your choice. P.

"How about a self-inflating-a-flat-tire car?"

How come I always get stuck in the weird extra pocket?

Woman in the jungle amongst gorillas writes; 'It seems I cannot look them in the eye without prompting confrontation'. Two men in a pub - one asks the other 'What are you looking at?'

"You have a nasty case of 'A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte' by Georges Seurat."

"If God is omnipotent and wholly good, whence evil?!?"

"Which one of us is me?"

'Eddy Penguin? I'm not sure, officer... Can you desctibe him?'

"So ... is the Pope Catholic?"

"These caseloads are impossible I've got TWICE the number I should I can't be in two places at once!"

'I think he's saying, 'read my blog'.'