Property Ponders Pillows

"I envy you. I'd love to have a house with a fireplace."

"I can't believe how great my life is now: We used to live in an apartment, but now, I have my own garden..."

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"You called me, boss?" "Yes, I overheard you talking to patrons about all the new planets we’ve found." "I want you to stop doing that." "At least until I’m done buying up as much of that real estate as I can. I don’t need any competitors driving up the prices." "Very bad man." "When the hipsters run out of cities to gentrify here, my properties on Gliese 581c are going to make a killing."

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

"Aren't you the estate agent who sold us this house?"

"A hole half this size sold for 340,000 acorns last week! No inspection!"

'For Sale by Neighbor'

'Honey, it's the escrow people. They want to know if you could send a stool sample.'

An exaggeration of estate agents

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

Mouse real estate!

"This one has nicer sand, but I think I prefer the tree on the last one we saw."

'On the face of it, it sounds great that she left me her house, but it has gone stale and what Hansel and Gretel didn't eat the birds have had a go at.'

'The owner would have shown you around himself, but he doesn't rise untill after sunset.'

'I need to tell Edgar...our house sold for a million two.'

House hunting is cruel.

"You've got termites."

"I told you we should have sold last winter."

'It seems good, and he said the bit at the bottom is the name of the architect.'

'Floodplain close - House on stilts with ladder. Estate Agent saying, 'Welcome onto the property ladder...''

"And the bathroom has a water view...if you fill the tub."

'I think you'll all rest easy knowing this is a gated community!'

UP Again: Housing Prices.

For Sale By Owner

"Like I told you Gladys: location, location, location."

"This isn't a fixer upper. It's a down-and-outer."

'I need three estimates before I appoint an estate agent.' - 'Right, £120,000, £130,000 and £140,000.'

"For sale £470,000 house included"

"Yes, it's nice, but it's lost twenty per-cent of its value in the past year."

'Thank God I don't live in a Jimmy Choo!'

'Don't worry about your daughter Sir: I'll find us a dump to live in...'

'My expedition confirmed what we already suspected: Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered by water, and the rest by real estate!'

"It's a bit of a fixer-upper."