Profit Critic Gifts

BP Greed Credentials - huge profits and cuts to environmental promises.

"Global warming has been good to me... I switched from investing in coal to rubber boats."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'That's our mission statement.'

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

"Well, either you're hopelessly optimistic or hopelessly short-sighted."

'An exxpert team set up a team of special consultants, that then set up a committee whose members asked their 7 year old kids. Now 14 months later they've concluded we're not efficient enough.'

'We've just become the biggest corporation in America.. let's celebrate today and begin downsizing tomorrow.'

'Our problem is how to lower quality while raising prices...'

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

"In a further effort to increase profits, control costs and satisfy shareholders, we've decided to steal stuff."

'I give this one about three months...'

"We offer a generous flex time policy - you can work your 90 hours per week any way you'd like."

XYZ Inc, putting a folksy, human face on unfettered corporate greed for over 50 years.

Stock market investment advice

'If you have nothing to do don't come round here and do it.'

"The Supreme Court says a corporation is a 'person?' Well, have you ever tried to take a corporation out for a nice, friendly beer?"

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

"Brandon isn't adapting well to the open office concept."

'Sorry, I can't give you a raise. However, I can offer you a splendid opportunity to share the profits.'

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"When we changed the company name, the stocks went through the roof!"

You can fool some of the people all of the time - "Send in some of the people, Dorothy."

"Progress is going around in the same circle...but faster."

"I think he's overreacting a little when it comes to controlling his employees."

Someone needs to tell him that having Churchillian leadership skills requires more than a 10'' havana

"At First Infidelity we're all about integrity...."

"Openness and transparency are a big part of our corporate mythos."

'The question is - to what level of data do we wish to stoop.'

ANOTHER FINE MESS, INC.

"The only good news this year, gentlemen, is our massive bonuses."