Profile Perfecter Pillows

"I'll describe you as 6' and athletic. Everyone exaggerates online."

"Jackie, why does your relationship status read ‘capitulated to’ me?!"

'On second thought, perhaps it would look better if your hand was tucked into your jacket.'

Elevator Pitch

'We no longer look at résumés. We go straight to your Facebook page.'

'I was attracted to you but your online photo, but now that I've seen you in High-Def...'

'Are you done yet?'

'Here's where you give me non-comprehending nods of approval.'

"I refuse to discuss my selfless passion for public service until my hair, makeup and lighting are perfect."

Personal Cheerleader.

'Yo, Danny! The pitcher's complaining about the crowd noise. Turn it down!'

Using a social media app to date

'They balked our pitch.'

"He hasn't the heart to discharge her. She's been with him for years."

"It's not enough -- others must follow me on social media."

'He was taller online!'

"Don't make me look fat!"

'Yes, that will work as an elevator pitch...if your potential client works in a skyscraper...'

"I'm internet dating. I'm looking for someone I can morph and tweak."

'I saw your profile on Linksin.'

"Have you ever noticed that all our teachers fit the FBI's terrorist profile?"

Online Dating

"He was very talented, yet very near-sighted portrait painter!"

'Was the flash too bright?'

'Why can't you collect stamps like everybody else'

"Would you consider yourself creamy or crunchy?"

"You're under arrest for consumer Freud."

Sweet. Solid business plan, backed by a three-piece band.

If you meet someone online who says he's a 22 year old software millionaire who looks like Harry Styles he's really unemployed, 45 and lives with his mother!