Profile Perfecter Gifts

"I'll describe you as 6' and athletic. Everyone exaggerates online."

"Jackie, why does your relationship status read ‘capitulated to’ me?!"

'On second thought, perhaps it would look better if your hand was tucked into your jacket.'

Elevator Pitch

'We no longer look at résumés. We go straight to your Facebook page.'

'I was attracted to you but your online photo, but now that I've seen you in High-Def...'

'Are you done yet?'

'Apparently, wild hopes and dreams, re-enacted by Barbie and Ken, are no substitute for a solid business plan.'

'Here's where you give me non-comprehending nods of approval.'

"I refuse to discuss my selfless passion for public service until my hair, makeup and lighting are perfect."

"This painting will make you so famous that you won't be able to walk down the street without being recognised."

I'm filling out my myface.com and I have a question. Rudy Park, tech genius, at your service. Should I pretend to be 10,12 or 26 years old? 32? I configure browsers, not fake personas! I think I'll play for the Broncos.

Personal Cheerleader.

Using a social media app to date

'Yo, Danny! The pitcher's complaining about the crowd noise. Turn it down!'

"Don't make me look fat!"

"He hasn't the heart to discharge her. She's been with him for years."

Your online profile only lists positive things about you. Of course, a "profile" only shows one side of a person.

'They balked our pitch.'

"It's not enough -- others must follow me on social media."

'He was taller online!'

'Yes, that will work as an elevator pitch...if your potential client works in a skyscraper...'

'I saw your profile on Linksin.'

"I'm internet dating. I'm looking for someone I can morph and tweak."

"Would you consider yourself creamy or crunchy?"

"Have you ever noticed that all our teachers fit the FBI's terrorist profile?"

"He was very talented, yet very near-sighted portrait painter!"

"Your Facebook page said nothing about you being a dung beetle!"

Online Dating

'Why can't you collect stamps like everybody else'

'Was the flash too bright?'

Your online profile didn't say you were a bottom feeder.

"You're under arrest for consumer Freud."

Sweet. Solid business plan, backed by a three-piece band.

If you meet someone online who says he's a 22 year old software millionaire who looks like Harry Styles he's really unemployed, 45 and lives with his mother!