Online Profile Perfectionist Gifts

'We no longer look at résumés. We go straight to your Facebook page.'

"Your Facebook page said nothing about you being a dung beetle!"

"It's not enough -- others must follow me on social media."

"Why can't the rest of you be more like Rollins, here? He does his homework!"

'I was attracted to you but your online photo, but now that I've seen you in High-Def...'

Is it a book? A film? A TV show? How do you mime a podcast?

"I refuse to discuss my selfless passion for public service until my hair, makeup and lighting are perfect."

I'm filling out my myface.com and I have a question. Rudy Park, tech genius, at your service. Should I pretend to be 10,12 or 26 years old? 32? I configure browsers, not fake personas! I think I'll play for the Broncos.

'Excellent. But try it again and this time start your sway at the beginning of the fourth bar, O.K.?'

'I don't want to be a shepherd. I want to be the policeman who interrupts the play to tell all the mummys and daddys who have parked irresponsibly and dangerously outside to move their cars...'

'Do you have anything cheap but guaranteed to help me get laid?'

"For future security questions, the name of your first pet should include a minimum of eight uppercase and lowercase letters, numbers and special characters."

"Hi, I'm Miranda: I like sniffing bums, rolling about in dead things and chasing tennis balls. . ."

Using a social media app to date

Social Influencers Anonymous.

"Page 33, line 4..."

"But sir, you may think you want underwear, but your internet consumer profile says you want a jet ski."

A conductor practising in front of a mirror.

Likes Makes Right

Cull people who talk and text during a concert you've paid good money to see.

'He was taller online!'

Your online profile only lists positive things about you. Of course, a "profile" only shows one side of a person.

"I wrote it, dear...the Great American Password."

"I'm Roberto, and I'll be your waiter this evening. This is Carl. He's in charge of portion control."

'I hope it's important, he hates being interrupted during his trombone practice.'

'I often commit the sin of pride, Reverend. I imagine myself being googled.'

'Your resume says you pay attention to detail, which I would find easier to buy if your fly wasn't unzipped.'

'I saw your profile on Linksin.'

"This office is state of the art. Human error has been replaced by computer glitches."

'By the way, there is no 'Z' in resume.'

"I'm internet dating. I'm looking for someone I can morph and tweak."

'To help me stay on my diet, I've hired a portion control officer.'

"The account number you entered on your keypad is incorrect. Your phone will self destruct in minus ten seconds."

'He finally went mad...he devised the PERFECT password, but of course could never tell it to anyone.'

"Okay, I'll admit it. I'm only dating you so you'll follow me on social media."