Online Profile Perfectionist Prints

'We no longer look at résumés. We go straight to your Facebook page.'

"It's not enough -- others must follow me on social media."

"Why can't the rest of you be more like Rollins, here? He does his homework!"

'I was attracted to you but your online photo, but now that I've seen you in High-Def...'

Is it a book? A film? A TV show? How do you mime a podcast?

"I refuse to discuss my selfless passion for public service until my hair, makeup and lighting are perfect."

'Excellent. But try it again and this time start your sway at the beginning of the fourth bar, O.K.?'

'Do you have anything cheap but guaranteed to help me get laid?'

'I don't want to be a shepherd. I want to be the policeman who interrupts the play to tell all the mummys and daddys who have parked irresponsibly and dangerously outside to move their cars...'

"For future security questions, the name of your first pet should include a minimum of eight uppercase and lowercase letters, numbers and special characters."

"Hi, I'm Miranda: I like sniffing bums, rolling about in dead things and chasing tennis balls. . ."

Using a social media app to date

Social Influencers Anonymous.

"Page 33, line 4..."

"But sir, you may think you want underwear, but your internet consumer profile says you want a jet ski."

A conductor practising in front of a mirror.

Cull people who talk and text during a concert you've paid good money to see.

"I'm Roberto, and I'll be your waiter this evening. This is Carl. He's in charge of portion control."

'He was taller online!'

Likes Makes Right

"I wrote it, dear...the Great American Password."

'I hope it's important, he hates being interrupted during his trombone practice.'

'Your resume says you pay attention to detail, which I would find easier to buy if your fly wasn't unzipped.'

'By the way, there is no 'Z' in resume.'

'I saw your profile on Linksin.'

"This office is state of the art. Human error has been replaced by computer glitches."

"I'm internet dating. I'm looking for someone I can morph and tweak."

"The account number you entered on your keypad is incorrect. Your phone will self destruct in minus ten seconds."

'We've lost the will to go on with our play! Is there a motivational speaker in the house?'

'He finally went mad...he devised the PERFECT password, but of course could never tell it to anyone.'

"Are you 'Athletic, bronzed male, early thirties seeking buxom, fun-loving younger female'?"

'To help me stay on my diet, I've hired a portion control officer.'

"Okay, I'll admit it. I'm only dating you so you'll follow me on social media."