Professional Performer Gifts

"Look, I was paid to deliver him a get well singing telegram and by God I'm gonna do it!"

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

They hated me.

Showbiz Awards

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"Welcome to Off-Off-Off Broadway."

"I had a fear of speaking in front of people, which is why I shadow puppet and sing the lessons."

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

"Extreme miming"

"We're following Carrot Top."

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

Pirate

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

"Smile when you say that, pardner."

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

George Michael

'I guess it's not much consolation but I thought your impersonation of the King was a riot.'

Owing to a clerical error, Luciano Pavarotti receives kudus instead of kudos for his performance as the Duke of Mantua.

Cow Show Tunes

Fish, singing: 'I'm a sole man..'

"I'm the only sane artist in the world."

This next song goes out to the girl who stole my heart and my guitar.

"Bravo!"

"And now, for your entertainment, I will drink a glass of water while Rempert, here, remains eerily silent."

Silly wig.

"I can't believe he brought her."

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

Emily Dickinson: Mime - "I think she's saying something about death."

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

Tuning Up for the Air Guitar Competition