Play Performer Gifts

Graham really wanted to play Joseph, but deep down he knew what part he'd get again.

Performance In The Bedroom

Waiting for Godot.

Nutcracker

"I've been on the stage now for 35 years..."

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

They hated me.

Showbiz Awards

Chase me, chase me cows.

'Call for you on the cream corn line.'

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

'My imaginary playmate can whip your imaginary playmate!'

"Welcome to Off-Off-Off Broadway."

Pirate

"Extreme miming"

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"We're following Carrot Top."

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

"I had a fear of speaking in front of people, which is why I shadow puppet and sing the lessons."

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"Just let her believe in fairies a little while longer."

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

Owing to a clerical error, Luciano Pavarotti receives kudus instead of kudos for his performance as the Duke of Mantua.

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

George Michael

"Think of it as a big puddle."

"Smile when you say that, pardner."

'I guess it's not much consolation but I thought your impersonation of the King was a riot.'

Cow Show Tunes

Fish, singing: 'I'm a sole man..'

"I'm the only sane artist in the world."

"And now, for your entertainment, I will drink a glass of water while Rempert, here, remains eerily silent."