Professional Performer T-Shirts

"Look, I was paid to deliver him a get well singing telegram and by God I'm gonna do it!"

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

They hated me.

Showbiz Awards

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"I had a fear of speaking in front of people, which is why I shadow puppet and sing the lessons."

"We're following Carrot Top."

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"Welcome to Off-Off-Off Broadway."

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"Extreme miming"

Pirate

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

'I guess it's not much consolation but I thought your impersonation of the King was a riot.'

Cow Show Tunes

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

Owing to a clerical error, Luciano Pavarotti receives kudus instead of kudos for his performance as the Duke of Mantua.

"Smile when you say that, pardner."

Fish, singing: 'I'm a sole man..'

"I'm the only sane artist in the world."

Jazz is Invented

Clown waits for 'Happy Hour' to begin.

"Bravo!"

Silly wig.

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

"I can't believe he brought her."

"And now, for your entertainment, I will drink a glass of water while Rempert, here, remains eerily silent."

'Play it again, Sam.'

Tuning Up for the Air Guitar Competition

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

Emily Dickinson: Mime - "I think she's saying something about death."