Professional Footballer Pillows

'Heulluva Mark.'

Football League: Concussions R US.

'I used to play football for the love of the game. But now, in the pros, it's all just one big business.'

Wages of footballer.

Coach to football players: 'And no cuddling!'

Fly Football

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

'Sure beats your cupping your ear!'

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

'Originally he was the mascot until we discovered he had a golden foot.'

'Will you lot come out! - the new kit's not that bad!'

"Do you do temporary ones that last about two weeks?"

Punt Cake

"All our extras are ex-soccer players - they're the best at dramatically faking injuries."

If nobody had invented graphics

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

'How many times have I told you not to hit the ball with your head?'

Football

Saving a Heart

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

'Did you want to bring on a sub'

"I'm not using my jumper as a goalpost, sir, I'm using it as a jumper."

Bears

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

"To be clear, I said I want your 'A' game, not your 'Eh?' game."

Big screen TV.

'Let's throw ball. Running game not working.'

Ball as water-melon.

'Best save I've ever seen.'

'And at what stage did you realise the ball you were heading was on the TV?'

'I told him if he didn't get here quick he'd miss out on all the beer and food.'

"Uptight End"