Professional Footballer Pillows

Ryan Giggs

'Heulluva Mark.'

Football League: Concussions R US.

'I used to play football for the love of the game. But now, in the pros, it's all just one big business.'

Wages of footballer.

Coach to football players: 'And no cuddling!'

Fly Football

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

"England losing from a penalty shootout again!"

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

'Sure beats your cupping your ear!'

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

If nobody had invented graphics

'Frank built it himself. The last football will fall through the hourglass 10 seconds before the Super Bowl starts.'

Punt Cake

'Will you lot come out! - the new kit's not that bad!'

"Do you do temporary ones that last about two weeks?"

'Originally he was the mascot until we discovered he had a golden foot.'

"All our extras are ex-soccer players - they're the best at dramatically faking injuries."

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

Saving a Heart

'Did you want to bring on a sub'

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

"I'm not using my jumper as a goalpost, sir, I'm using it as a jumper."

'How many times have I told you not to hit the ball with your head?'

Football

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

Bears

'Now that's the Group of Death.'

Raheem Sterling

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

"To be clear, I said I want your 'A' game, not your 'Eh?' game."

Big screen TV.

'And at what stage did you realise the ball you were heading was on the TV?'

'Let's throw ball. Running game not working.'