Footballer Pillows

"They play union in heaven... where do they play football?"

"I can no longer tell the difference between what's real football and what's fantasy football."

'Did you bring the tackle?'

'The new physio's red hot on pre-match stretching.'

'Brian was dropped from the team after picking up a nasty leg injury.'

'Looks like I might have to rethink the football idea!'

Evolution

'Perhaps we're not paying them enough money?'

"What are the shareholders complaining about? I make less than a Premier League footballer."

'You slips have been watching football again.'

'Look at him tackling bribery and corruption charges!'

John Terry

'I wondered why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.'

Rugby Mad.

Leo Messi goes to court.

'We scored eight goals last week.'

"Suddenly, five minutes into the match, Edwardo goes soft."

The corner

Is this the kickoff meeting?

"He wants £40,000 a week, a £2,000 win bonus and a choregraphed dance routine when he scores."

"I hear the ref was struck by a missile!"

Bobby Charlton

Swanking goal scorer churns up turf.

'Entente Cordiale: When Eric [Cantona]kisses the badge on his shirt it turns round and kisses him right back!'

'Okay, who knows how to solve for 'X'?'

'There's a scout outside to see you.' - 'Great.'

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

"You can always tell which guys aren't trapped in long-term contracts."

'To be honest you weren't my first choice...'

Football Eyetests

'I've told you, the rumours I have become more aggressive are a load of rubbish!'

'That's Thompson. Best goalie we've ever had.'

Ref shows footballer green card.

Harry Kane

'I just can't say for certain. They all look the same in those uniforms. ...All I know it that he said he kicks field goals for a living.'