Footballer At Heart Pillows

"I've had David practice his long throws in training!"

Football Fans

Fly Football

'Sure beats your cupping your ear!'

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

"England losing from a penalty shootout again!"

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

"Do you do temporary ones that last about two weeks?"

"He tested positive for a new fever ... TB12."

'Will you lot come out! - the new kit's not that bad!'

'Frank built it himself. The last football will fall through the hourglass 10 seconds before the Super Bowl starts.'

'Originally he was the mascot until we discovered he had a golden foot.'

If nobody had invented graphics

"Did you know that when my mom played soccer, only the winner got a trophy?"

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

Saving a Heart

'Now that's the Group of Death.'

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

Raheem Sterling

"I'm not using my jumper as a goalpost, sir, I'm using it as a jumper."

'How many times have I told you not to hit the ball with your head?'

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

'Did you want to bring on a sub'

Football

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Big screen TV.

'Let's throw ball. Running game not working.'

'And at what stage did you realise the ball you were heading was on the TV?'

'Best save I've ever seen.'

Kenny Dalglish

Sport: Crisis in the Real Madrid.

This is a great game --- All except for that blimp. It keeps reminding me I've already broken my diet resolution. Pizza. Chips.

"Next time you score show a little respect and don't spike uncle Frank so hard."

"All of a dither as per usual!"

'I told him if he didn't get here quick he'd miss out on all the beer and food.'