Productivity Sceptic Pillows

'Actually, I haven't done any work for a month due to technical difficulties.'

Desk trays - 'in', 'out', and 'one of these days'.

In many ways this is the perfect job! Out. Out.

"It's a new target to target a time to reduce targets so that we'll be less target driven!"

"Gentleman I believe I've found a revolutionary new way for us to more productively waste our lives."

"Why can't I get anything done unless I'm totally stressed out about it?" "Is it possible to be relaxed and still be productive?" "What is wrong with my brain?" "Why don't you work better?"

"Give a man a job, and he'll work all day. Teach a man to delegate, and he'll take the rest of the day off."

'This software package can cut your workload in half. Do you want to purchase two copies?'

'I'm sure you all agree that this has been a very constructive meeting.'

"I've found if I squint my eyes and frown, it looks like I'm concentrating rather than sleeping.".

Look at me multitasking. I'm shooting the breeze, checking invoices and drinking coffee.

GDP and G&T.

How to boost your work output...

"That must be the new 'sit-work' desk."

"With this system nobody ever needs a holiday. A doctor occasionally, but not a holiday."

Boss

"We've increased job satisfaction. Now let's focus on productivity."

Department of Productivity: Caution - High Speed Revolving Door.

"How many work in my department? On a good day probably about half."

'Ideally, I'd like a job where my multi-application cell phone will do all the work.'

"I feel like I got a lot accomplished today."

"Now let's check our ethical hats in at the door and get some bloody work done."

"You'd be more productive if this was plugged in."

'I remember when it used to say THINK.'

'I gained about two hours a day. I gave up the New York Times.'

"Unsticky notes test #17 success!"

"At least TRY to look as busy as a bee!"

'Some way we've got to get back the good old American know-how to make cheap crap.'

'He's at the 'awkward stage' in converting to paperless so he carries both a laptop and a briefcase.'

Nothing gives me a greater feeling of accomplishment than not accomplishing anything.

'Your supervisor says you have been giving 100 each week, but at the rate of 20 each day.'

'Good morning, I am Mister Greenreaper independent consultant. The management has asked me to reorganize your department in oder to improve its productivity and its competivity.'

"And another thing, stop sending me e-mails."

"I'm always suspicious of empty wastebaskets."

'This is a very difficult job. There's only so much you can pretend you're doing.'