Productivity Master Gifts

'He's a whiz at everything he does. I suspect he may be on some performance enhancing drugs!'

Big Deal/Done Deal.

"Give a sh*t" "Don't give a sh*t"

"Why can't the rest of you be more like Rollins, here? He does his homework!"

Things-to-do-today: Daily workboxes piled up on desk.

"Good" "Bad" "Work on it" "Keep working - maybe it's not as bad as you think it is" "Put it to a committee" "Give up" "Make it worse" "Make it better" "Still a bad idea" "Overthink it" "Throw yourself into a pit of wild badgers" "Throw it away" "Call it done" "Sigh."

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

'No, I'm not stranded. This is the only place I could find that has no distractions.'

Time Is Money

"My preferred pronoun is they."

"Listen to this: 'Technology reduces the time we spend on a given task, but increases the number of tasks we're expected to do.' Sounds like a no-win situation to me!"

Motivation to work

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

Worker ant's To Do list.

"Do we always have to work through lunch?"

'I see you're still trying to get the staff enthused over the weekly meetings.' (Meeting offers free coffee, free snacks, eye-popping charts, exciting videos and free idea pads).

"Meanwhile, obsessing about productivity is way up."

'We need to have a shake-up!'

'It's a fake - but all the hanging around the water cooler is down 57%!'

"Has anyone else noticed that the efficiency experts seem a little robotic?"

"There appears to be a direct correlation between fewer meetings and higher productivity."

"Ok, so you got the worm. What are you going to do with the rest of your day?"

'My multi-tasking turned into faulty-tasking.'

'This software package can cut your workload in half. Do you want to purchase two copies?'

"You should be able to get through your emails during the working day then you could use the rest of your life to do some of the work."

'It's my own fault. I never upgraded my skills. I was replaced by a man half my age with a more advanced smartphone and hundreds of productive apps.'

I have plenty of work harder bees. Get me more work smarter bees.

"Miss Jones! Clear my schedule until I get this sorted out!"

"Oh, I can be dependable, and for another £200 a week, I can be productive too."

Stress

Here's a new Blackberry with a special silent alarm that vibrates and delivers a small electrical shock. We call it the Gooseberry.

'I'm sorry you had to wait. My Time Management Workshop started late.'

"Some days, no matter how much you procrastinate, work still gets done."

'I need a tool to measure productivity.'

Strategic Planning Magnetic Kit showing words such as 'increase,' 'global,' 'leading,' and 'profitable'