Productivity Warrior Gifts

Workaholism is a disease. It can be cured.

"Give a sh*t" "Don't give a sh*t"

"Why can't the rest of you be more like Rollins, here? He does his homework!"

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

Things-to-do-today: Daily workboxes piled up on desk.

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

'No, I'm not stranded. This is the only place I could find that has no distractions.'

Time Is Money

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

"Listen to this: 'Technology reduces the time we spend on a given task, but increases the number of tasks we're expected to do.' Sounds like a no-win situation to me!"

Motivation to work

"Do we always have to work through lunch?"

Worker ant's To Do list.

'I see you're still trying to get the staff enthused over the weekly meetings.' (Meeting offers free coffee, free snacks, eye-popping charts, exciting videos and free idea pads).

"Meanwhile, obsessing about productivity is way up."

A breakthrough in the morning meeting

'What can I do to create a climate where things get done?'

'It's a fake - but all the hanging around the water cooler is down 57%!'

"Has anyone else noticed that the efficiency experts seem a little robotic?"

"There appears to be a direct correlation between fewer meetings and higher productivity."

"Ok, so you got the worm. What are you going to do with the rest of your day?"

"...simple, we topped the water cooler with energy drinks and productivity rocketed."

'My multi-tasking turned into faulty-tasking.'

'I think it has reached critical mass.'

"You should be able to get through your emails during the working day then you could use the rest of your life to do some of the work."

'It's my own fault. I never upgraded my skills. I was replaced by a man half my age with a more advanced smartphone and hundreds of productive apps.'

"Some days, no matter how much you procrastinate, work still gets done."

I have plenty of work harder bees. Get me more work smarter bees.

"Being my own boss sounds fun but I wouldn't be able to motivate myself."

"Miss Jones! Clear my schedule until I get this sorted out!"

"Oh, I can be dependable, and for another £200 a week, I can be productive too."

'I'm sorry you had to wait. My Time Management Workshop started late.'

Here's a new Blackberry with a special silent alarm that vibrates and delivers a small electrical shock. We call it the Gooseberry.

"Alan had to work all night on his presentation....this is what 17 espressos does to him."

Stress