Productivity Hero Gifts

"Ed, your lack of procrastination is causing some morale problems with the rest of the staff."

"Give a sh*t" "Don't give a sh*t"

"Why can't the rest of you be more like Rollins, here? He does his homework!"

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

Things-to-do-today: Daily workboxes piled up on desk.

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

ZOOM 'n' GLOOM.

'No, I'm not stranded. This is the only place I could find that has no distractions.'

Time Is Money

Politicians' basements (as seen on TV)

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

"Listen to this: 'Technology reduces the time we spend on a given task, but increases the number of tasks we're expected to do.' Sounds like a no-win situation to me!"

Motivation to work

'I don't want your input until you produce some output.'

Worker ant's To Do list.

"Do we always have to work through lunch?"

'I see you're still trying to get the staff enthused over the weekly meetings.' (Meeting offers free coffee, free snacks, eye-popping charts, exciting videos and free idea pads).

"Meanwhile, obsessing about productivity is way up."

"I could get used to working remotely."

'It's a fake - but all the hanging around the water cooler is down 57%!'

"Everyone seek higher ground! The paperwork is rising to a dangerous level."

"Has anyone else noticed that the efficiency experts seem a little robotic?"

"Oh yes sir, I'm finding I can get so much more work done, working from home."

"Ok, so you got the worm. What are you going to do with the rest of your day?"

“Someone is not muted. I'm still hearing ambient noise. Please mute your device.”

Covid and Restarting School

"How about a little more muse and a little less 'meow,' huh?"

"...simple, we topped the water cooler with energy drinks and productivity rocketed."

'My multi-tasking turned into faulty-tasking.'

'It's my own fault. I never upgraded my skills. I was replaced by a man half my age with a more advanced smartphone and hundreds of productive apps.'

"You should be able to get through your emails during the working day then you could use the rest of your life to do some of the work."

Working from home

'I'm sorry you had to wait. My Time Management Workshop started late.'

Here's a new Blackberry with a special silent alarm that vibrates and delivers a small electrical shock. We call it the Gooseberry.

"Oh, I can be dependable, and for another £200 a week, I can be productive too."