Productivity Aficionados Gifts

"With this system nobody ever needs a holiday. A doctor occasionally, but not a holiday."

"Give a sh*t" "Don't give a sh*t"

Things-to-do-today: Daily workboxes piled up on desk.

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

Motivation to work

The World's First Electronic Paperweight

"Do we always have to work through lunch?"

'I see you're still trying to get the staff enthused over the weekly meetings.' (Meeting offers free coffee, free snacks, eye-popping charts, exciting videos and free idea pads).

"Meanwhile, obsessing about productivity is way up."

'It's a fake - but all the hanging around the water cooler is down 57%!'

"Ok, so you got the worm. What are you going to do with the rest of your day?"

"Has anyone else noticed that the efficiency experts seem a little robotic?"

"...simple, we topped the water cooler with energy drinks and productivity rocketed."

'My multi-tasking turned into faulty-tasking.'

'This software package can cut your workload in half. Do you want to purchase two copies?'

"You should be able to get through your emails during the working day then you could use the rest of your life to do some of the work."

Here's a new Blackberry with a special silent alarm that vibrates and delivers a small electrical shock. We call it the Gooseberry.

"Some days, no matter how much you procrastinate, work still gets done."

"Oh, I can be dependable, and for another £200 a week, I can be productive too."

'I'm sorry you had to wait. My Time Management Workshop started late.'

I have plenty of work harder bees. Get me more work smarter bees.

"Miss Jones! Clear my schedule until I get this sorted out!"

'I need a tool to measure productivity.'

Strategic Planning Magnetic Kit showing words such as 'increase,' 'global,' 'leading,' and 'profitable'

"A laptop has been installed in each rest room stall."

'Im so overloaded with emails, just one monitor wasn't enough to handle them all.'

"I think you're becoming a workaholic."

Working Environment

'I'm the CEO of a large corporation. Of course my cough is productive. Everything I do is productive.'

"Slip some performance enhancing drug into the water. We need more production!"

Corporate Cafeteria. I don't care how many toppings you pizza has --- eating it is not multitasking!

The other digital divide.

'I start my day by making a list of everything I need to do . . . and who I can get to do it for me.'