Private Ponderer Gifts

"...I'll sit here pretending to be interested but I'll actually be writing a shopping list and fantasising about my plumber!"

"Exactly how undecided would you say you were at this precise moment?"

'The organizational structure is pretty simple: We do the work; they take the credit.'

Waiting for Pants

'At least I don't have his life.'

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

'Hey, it's that peeping Tom again, the one who has no respect for privacy.'

"I'll bet a lot of people wish they had a royal palace to return to."

Planetary Science. What do we call the study of gas giants in space? Gastronomy.

"Apparently, over two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water!"

Desert Island Surveillance.

Dr. McPhee discovers the Embarrassment Particle.

Are these sessions as soul-deadening for you as they are for me, doctor? Let's not have a contest, Al. Or, if we do, no wagering.

"At this time boarding first will be all first class passengers, a.k.a. the more important people on this flight."

'Do you ever wonder about this whole 'money' thing?'

"You're right! It is much easier to explain it this way!"

Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Earth, Venus, Mars … Mercury … Um, Pluto? Charon? No, Pluto … or Eris? Ugh …

'The mind-body problem is best expressed in the formulation...OOf!'

A tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it.

"Having a fine old name really has been enough for me."

How moons are born...

Jupid/Jupiter/Jupidest

'Sure, but king benefits aren't portable.'

Corporate Ladder

Ernie, we're the first humans to set foot on Mars! This is so exciting! The whole world is watching! Whee! We need to do something for the history books. Woo hoo! Ernie, you're not appreciating the gravity of the situation. What gravity?!

"Nobody ever illegally downloaded my recordings of the Beethoven Sonatas, either."

Have you been undressing me with your eyes? It's okay, I'm a doctor

"Remember to take into account my client had no life coach."

Quarantine: The great equalizer

'Want me to share your reading on your social media?'

How come I always get stuck in the weird extra pocket?

If there are eclipses of the sun and eclipses of the moon, how come there are never any eclipses of the earth? Can we continue this tomorrow? It's getting dark.

"It's a memoir about multiple personality disorder, so it was written in first, second and third person narrative."

This is a test of their cognitive skills, and that's a test of their patience. Waiting room.