Private Club Ponderer Gifts

"Listen, I just wanted to let you know you've got it all wrong. Yes, there's a heaven, but humans aren't allowed in. It's kind of a private club."

That party went well.

'Big sale at the Dog Store. Buy 1, get 2 free.'

"Exactly how undecided would you say you were at this precise moment?"

'Our basic package is no frills, no chew toys, no extra Kibbles, and narry a pat on the head from management...'

How do you fell about buying your own health insurance?

Painter removes 'wet paint' sign from park bench and replaces it with a 'dry paint' sign.

"I'm not a mad dog. But I'm not particularly happy either."

"Hey, Brian. I can't make it to the park today, but I'll be there in spirit."

"It's from the Facebook company. They're buying out every messaging platform."

"Of course it's not easy to read the body language of someone who's basically inert."

"You've got to understand, in my family Dad was the poodle and Mom was the pit bull."

'No, I'm not into astronomy. That telescope is for you to see your new parking spot.'

'Are you sure its a purbred?'

Fish Food

"The problem is: reasonable men may differ on what the hell reason is!"

"The year may be over, but it'll be dragged back up on history tests for years to come."

'The shrink said my holiday was hereditary - my family.'

'We don't have a health plan, but we have a very nice cemetery right out in the churchyard.'

Energy speculation.

Parson wishing to seem as though he is not drinking

"Beats me - I've never dealt with a sovereign debt crisis before."

"Shouldn't we hold off an artificial intelligence until we figure out actual intelligence?"

'I bark, therefore I am.'

"...I'll sit here pretending to be interested but I'll actually be writing a shopping list and fantasising about my plumber!"

VAR - a nail in the football coffin...

"We're going to be late for the awkwardly standing around."

'I'm always on the edge of my Twickenham seat...I can't afford the full business debenture rate.'

"We're not so different, you and I."

'When I was a kid, I laid on that grass and stared up at these clouds.'

"What do cats want?"

"Did you make an appointment?"

"Hmmmmm ... I don't see you on our 'friends' list ... "

Fish with Scuba Gear

Actuarial Tables of the Gods