Prison Gourmet Gifts

'What do you mean, the food is terrific?'

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

'What'll it be?'

'I'll have the 'All of the above.''

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

CSI Fridays

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

"@#!!!%$ the critics!! Give me Bobby $#@!! Flay!!"

'Help! -- I ate too much and I can't get up!'

"It needs a dash of gravel, I reckon."

"All I've got left is smoked."

"Just picking up some Super Bowl provisions."

Why Shirley hates to eat genetic modified Broccoli.

Kirks & Tacos

"I still call it a custard tart but to be honest, it's a dairy free, soy fructose mix, with no nuts."

'That's not exactly what I had in mind.'

"Not bad for prison Hooch. It lacks body, but I ain't complaining. The last time someone did, he added one."

"My aged cheddar died!"

"The I'm Going Off My Diet special comes with a side order of Guilt."

". . . ashes to ashes, dust to dust, a handful of ground coriander, the zest of a lemon. . ."

"...And would madam like the snail porridge?"

"Red wine with fish? Do you take me as some kind of a monster?!"

'Which of the high cholesterol foods are the safest?'

The prison-food was so bad, the inmates decided to smuggle in a cordon bleu chef!

"Guys, I'm cutting back on the seed. It's summer. Eat some bugs."

Vlad the Impaler - the Later Years

"I wouldn't complain about the food too much if I were you. I'm the Birdman of Alcatraz, all I get is millet and if I'm really lucky a few berries!"

The Full Mountie!

'Fascinating. The rats choose chocolate nine times out of ten, but they always feel guilty about it later.'

'A table near the food, please.'

'Those kids ate me out of house and home, but what really put me under were those dang dental bills.'

All you can eat. . . pizza.

Grand Opening! I wish someone had told me those weren't for haircuts.

Selecting teeth.. "I'll have those, please."

Prisoner counting off the days on his computer.