Pretentious Palate T-Shirts

New Acquisitions at the Museum of Modern Food

"The house of Chardonnay, sir - it's a young wine and a bit fruit forward."

"Repent" "Give alms" "Resist temptation" "Pray for me" "Fasting" "Acts of service" "Sacrifice" "Abstain" "You are ashes" "You are dust" "No meat"

"Oh, this old thing?"

"He's such a fussy eater."

"Everything taste so divinely artisanal."

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"

"This is one of her more important paintings from her early period."

"You notice all the books behind me...one of these days I'll get around to read one."

'I don't actually want to learn so much that I become a wine buff - just a wine snob!'

"Is anyone enjoying anything?"

Foodies at a Diner. We'll have the alphabet soup, unless it's Helvetica or Times New Roman.

"I don't like to complain, but this cud is a bit overchewed."

"I wouldn't read that book, dear... it's only there to impress visitors."

"I'll have the carrot cake, hold the carrots."

"We grind our own catnip."

"Revelatory, Michael - such airy meatballs."

"I'll have the crescent-crab 'purses' and the smoked duck 'hash' – hold the quotation marks."

Art Pets

"Frankly, I don't believe his tastevin is in the repair shop."

'I should know who he is! His work is in every gallery I go into.'

Expensive Restaurant

I say if life gives you tapens, make tapenade.

I've decided to take your advice and try something other than tea. What changed your mind? It occurred to me that if I try something you suggested, I may find that I detest it. I may hate it with every fiber of my being. It may even make me feel sick. AND THEN I'LL GET TO BLAME YOU! Always happy to help. (This cartoon was originally published on 2014-02-12).

"Yuck. I could make better crêpes fourrées aux boeufs brouillés au parmesan myself."

Larry regrets being friends with the fifth dentist.

'You call that restaurant upscale? I couldn't even get a pitcher of Champagne.'

Coffee-table kids' books

I asked a lady if she wanted to grab a kale smoothie with me. She totally ignored me. Of course she did. Very few ladies are interested in a guy who latches on to the latest fads. It suggests you've got a roving eye, and you'll leave her for someone new later on. Most women like a man who's "classic." Solid. Reliable. Unmoved by the ever-changing winds. That's why I eat nothing but nuts, berries and hippos. If it was good enough for the cavemen, it's good enough for me. I thought cavemen ate bro

"'Au contraire' to you, too."