Pretentious Lifestyle Explorer T-Shirts

"We grind our own catnip."

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

"How much?! Blimey, to get my money's worth, I'd need to use it EVERY WEEK!"

"You notice all the books behind me...one of these days I'll get around to read one."

"If he didn't live each day like it was his last, he would have lived another 40 years."

"Who's been nibbling at my kale house?"

"Bob choked on a spoon of caviar while he was on skiing vacation in St. Moritz."

'He's strictly an indoor cat.'

'I don't actually want to learn so much that I become a wine buff - just a wine snob!'

'You're a filthy pig, Gordon! I guess that's why I love you so much.'

"I wouldn't read that book, dear... it's only there to impress visitors."

"Revelatory, Michael - such airy meatballs."

"I'll have the crescent-crab 'purses' and the smoked duck 'hash' – hold the quotation marks."

'I should know who he is! His work is in every gallery I go into.'

Important balloons, $30.

'Too acidic? On the contrary, I find it well balanced.'

'What do you expect Marjorie, I am a grub.'

"I am exercising. I'm doing some online walking around an online mall."

'He glued himself to the floor again.'

'What's the special?'

'It's an electronic pipe and heated slippers...he's a thoroughly modern old fart.'

Drive-thru Flu Clinic.

'Everyone abhors a know-it-all.'

Live life on the edge

'Road trips are getting lonelier & lonelier.'

'You mean a vegan isn't the same thing as a witch?'

Business men: 'I try to live each day as if it's my last.'

'Quick! Where's your power port?!'

Tonight's topic. Lifestyle: Being your best self. We don't actually have a "lifestyle" -- we just wing it.

"It's wonderful how there are so many more devices to fall asleep in front of these days."

"The Rutherford's aren't joining us this winter. They're staying home and blowing their minds on medical marijuana."

A pyramid with a monocle and cigarette

'You call that restaurant upscale? I couldn't even get a pitcher of Champagne.'

'Why aren't I in school? I have an app that does that for me.'