Presidential Staff Gifts

"Our intelligence shows that everybody loves us."

I've always wanted to quit while I was ahead but the opportunity never presented itself.

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

'What sort of mission statement is that?'

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

Multi-tasking.

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'These are job perks.'

"The meeting will last until lunch, or hell freezes over, whichever is longer."

"The president demands that staff take responsibility for failures, and the multi-trillion deficit is down to YOU!"

Kitchen Kapers

'Say, our stress control seminar worked! Our sales are way down...but so what if they are.'

'The ultimate sign of success is when no one puts you on hold.'

Stressed employee says to colleague: 'I think I'm on top of the situation and I hope I'm in the loop, but I can't seem to get ahead of the curve.'

'Congratulations Smith, you got that promotion. Commiserations Reid, you got that demotion.'

Though Mr. Frackman had yet to say a word, Bill sensed he was about to receive a particularly lousy performance review.

'Once, long ago, I thought I was wrong...but it turned out I was mistaken.'

Busy office.

'I'd give you a raise, but I had to throw tantrums to make my parents give me anything as a kid.'

'Normally, I would give credit where credit is due but we're in a credit crunch. Therefore, I will take all the credit for your hard work on this project.'

"I've always wanted an empire of Distance Learning Campuses."

'You obviously took my suggestion to reduce stress to the extreme.'

"I'm giving you a 300% salary increase, and four months paid leave."

The role of administration.

Brainstorm in progress.

'On your marks. Get set. Go!' - 'Come on! Keep going! You can do it!' - 'Yay! You're 8 hours closer to the grave!' - 'Oh, God.'

'I sense we might be having a problem with our appointment scheduling.'

Chef copy robot

We're transferring you to company headquarters so you can kiss company hindquarters.

"The after-dinner mint is the boss's idea. I think it's superfluous."

"I intend to stay in this job, come Hell or high water."

'It was at this point that the executive group began its hatha flow retreats.'

'Brains...brains...brains...'

"A simple note from your mother would have sufficed, Tommy."