Pour Perfectionist Gifts

"I've joined a wine-lovers club. . . so far there are only three members."

"Why can't the rest of you be more like Rollins, here? He does his homework!"

Adhesive Tiles: Do Not Open from this End.

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

'You're not confident at the water hole are you?'

'There! See that? Brad just happens to morph into some kind of hideous amphibian just as he's about to putt? Now tell me she's not cheating!'

D.I.Y

We're going on a first date. So many words are misused every day. Literally! I don't accept the use of imperfect language. Me either. Trying to fight it has no effect. It's all a mute point. Irregardless, I could care less. I had nothing farther to say.

"Hmmm, this might just be not funny enough for The New Yorker."

Surreal ale

'Aren't you glad we brought our putters, too?'

Golf lessons

'Not that slowly back...'

Pick me! 2002 was a very good year! No! Me! I'm excellent with beef and fish. Desperate House Wines.

'I'm finding the greens a bit slow.'

"I've heard of being organized, but isn't this a little obsessive compulsive?"

"Well, I've finished the project on time and on budget!" "That means I've given you too much time and too much money!"

'No,silly-I asked for a sand WEDGE!'

For sale - Used only Once.

Is it a book? A film? A TV show? How do you mime a podcast?

'Yes, Mr. Osborne, this is an intervention. Your family had no other choice. Golf is an illness...'

Perfection

"Installed it himself ??" saved $50."

'Oh, sure, it gets the creative juices going, but is it worth the cost?'

'Don't ask me, I've never got one in a hole either.'

'Your direction is good! Now try for distance.'

'I'm a narcissist? - Are you saying I'm not perfect?'

'Do I take it that you will not be requiring my services on the back nine?'

'On to the office again?' - 'No, my pro.'

'this is the only place where no one is fooling around with the genes.'

Santa's Out Tray.

"You're welcome."

Christmas Present Wrapping Service.

"Being happy with one's work is the kiss of death."

'I don't want to be a shepherd. I want to be the policeman who interrupts the play to tell all the mummys and daddys who have parked irresponsibly and dangerously outside to move their cars...'