Posthumous Pun Lover Pillows

'It says here that the Governor's phone call was just three minutes too late. But hey, they've given you a posthumous pardon.'

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Yes. I said 2 by 2, but you needed to use 2 by 4s for the Ark...begin again."

"Staff support"

Copycats

Zombie standup

"I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

CSI: Mother Goose Unit...'Hmmm...I'm beginning to suspect that perhaps mister Dumpty's demise wasn't simply a tragic accident.'

"You're going to hate yourself."

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Zoology Class. Test Today. What did you get for the question about Fuzzy Wuzzy?

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Don't flutter your little wings on company time."

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

"Oh, stop it. You are not at all obtuse." Complimentary angles make the other angles feel good about themselves.

"He's having a hard time finding work."

'Have you tried pulling the udders?'

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

'We live in difficult times. These underwear don't help one bit.'

"Excuse me, I'm here to do some sole searching."

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Special: Scrabbled Eggs. No, sir, it's not a misprint -- Ernie adds alphabet soup.

'So where do you think pineapple juice comes from?'

'Before I order breakfast, which way is it to the 'International Bathroom of Pancakes'?'

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

"Four years of dental school only to tell all my patients 'Don't worry about any tooth issues - they'll just fall out and be replaced, anyway'."

Backfire

"You do realize I'm going to have to bill you for ten?"

Cut Price

"That's it. We’re toast."

Assault 'n' Vinegar