Post-maternity Phase Gifts

'Post-maternity wear.'

Marriage least expected to last...

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

'It doesn't take much to please him these days.'

Day one, post grad

'My obstetrician recommended I nurture it in the interest of science.'

'The trick is to make it look as easy as possible while, underneath, you're paddling like hell.'

"You try staying this this after giving birth two million times."

'Two Mr. Wrongs don't make a Mr. Right.'

The post-menopause luncheon's unintentional comedy act.

"Yeah, I've noticed it too: Young Master's smell has changed a lot since he's become a teenager..."

''D' is for 'Despair'; 'E' is for 'Exhaustion'.'

'Oooh, I love what you've done with your hair...That top looks lovely on you and have you lost weight?'

'I seem to have lost the body I had before I had children.'

'I'm struggling with Empty Pouch Syndrome.'

"I learned how to pack small. I bought Brad a big suitcase."

"Could you just make it a little awkward for a few weeks?"

"I told you I was too old to have a baby."

'Cheer up. You'll be through postpartum depression and into empty nest elation before you know it!'

"What? It's been ten years. . . She's had six kids for goodness sake. She can't still be the fairest of them all!"

'It must be love, when he kisses me, my heart quakes 5.7 on the richter scale.'

"Do you realise how long I've been waiting for you?"

"Cheer up. You'll be through postpartum depression and into empty nest elation before you know it!"

'I excuse my weight by saying I'm eating for three. Unfortunately, the twins were born months ago.'

'Then, just when I lost twenty pounds and was voted tops in my gym class he ran off with the fatso next door!'

"How soon can I start her on fad diets?"

'We believe in resolving a problem as soon as it arises.'

"Nintey-six kids? Well, you look amazing."

'Aww, cheer up. You'll be through postpartum depression and into the empty nest syndrome before you know it!'

"Your postpartum depression can be traced to 'selling low' in your sock portfolio."

'I guess that's the deal. You get out of shape so I can get into shape.'

I'm amazed how quickly I returned to my normal shape after the birth.

"I swear, the only decent men around here are either married...or gay...or they're one of my ex-husbands!"

"She took the house, the money, the Mercedes, and the Rottweiler. Then she took a hammer and busted the still."