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"It was very amicable—I gave her everything."

"I found myself in a strange place after my divorce - I think it was the kitchen."

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"Oh look—he fell asleep when you told me about your day."

This is forever... till death do us part...

'Have you two taken the COSMO 'compatibility test'?'

"OK, now what?"

'Keep pumping Mildred.'

"I'm so sorry that I screamed...I had a terrible dream: the kids had to leave college and live with us again...Oh, Ed, it was horrible!"

'None of the other things had instructions.'

My wife is the inspiration behind the light speed spaceship - the longer I'm married, the more I want to be the first human who lives on Mars.

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

"Everything started when I became a stay-at-home-mom of three little monsters."

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

"Mom, Suzy keeps coming closer than 6 feet to me."

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

"Let's split up the jobs for taking care of the baby. I'll take care of what goes in to him. . . you take care of what goes out!"

"I know it's 3 a.m. but don't you think this is a good time to discuss spending the holidays with my mother."

Sadie, we need to see a couple's counselor. Yuck. No way! I won't spend a bunch of dough to have some halfwit tell me how to live my life! But I found an inexpensive counselor who will just listen to us talk through our issues. Counseling $10. This end up.

"Ironically, this all started with a little poke on Facebook."

'We blow hot and cold. He argues it's too hot and I say it's too cold.'

'Everyone does divorces, Mrs.Dawson.'

'Do you realize that I spend more time out than I do in?'

Cyber Fight

My changing Body: A Guide For New Fathers

We should talk...

"Wet wipe?"

'I have rather a full schedule today. Could you summarize your grievances of the past 48 years?'

'I think he's proud of his ability to be in the way in more than one room at a time.'

'Last week I got a lovely watch for my wife!'

Kids go to school and mom goes to the psychiatric clinic.

"Honey, wake up! I just remembered something you did that annoyed the hell out of me!"

"You have superior extra ocular muscle strength - how often do you roll your eyes at your husband?"

'No Jennifer! I never head of mad broccoli disease.'