Post-divorce Navigator Pillows

"It was very amicable—I gave her everything."

"I found myself in a strange place after my divorce - I think it was the kitchen."

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

This is forever... till death do us part...

"Oh look—he fell asleep when you told me about your day."

"OK, now what?"

'Keep pumping Mildred.'

'None of the other things had instructions.'

"I'm so sorry that I screamed...I had a terrible dream: the kids had to leave college and live with us again...Oh, Ed, it was horrible!"

"Let's split up the jobs for taking care of the baby. I'll take care of what goes in to him. . . you take care of what goes out!"

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

"Everything started when I became a stay-at-home-mom of three little monsters."

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

My wife is the inspiration behind the light speed spaceship - the longer I'm married, the more I want to be the first human who lives on Mars.

"Mom, Suzy keeps coming closer than 6 feet to me."

"I know it's 3 a.m. but don't you think this is a good time to discuss spending the holidays with my mother."

My changing Body: A Guide For New Fathers

'We blow hot and cold. He argues it's too hot and I say it's too cold.'

"Wet wipe?"

'I think he's proud of his ability to be in the way in more than one room at a time.'

'Do you realize that I spend more time out than I do in?'

Cyber Fight

'Everyone does divorces, Mrs.Dawson.'

We should talk...

'Last week I got a lovely watch for my wife!'

'I have rather a full schedule today. Could you summarize your grievances of the past 48 years?'

Kids go to school and mom goes to the psychiatric clinic.

"Honey, wake up! I just remembered something you did that annoyed the hell out of me!"

"You have superior extra ocular muscle strength - how often do you roll your eyes at your husband?"

'No Jennifer! I never head of mad broccoli disease.'

'I'm afraid your child support payments will be quite substantial.'

"This is one of those things you should share before marriage."