Marital Navigator Pillows

'Disappointed? You ask if I'm disappointed? Well, Arthur, after 38 years of patiently peeling away one onion layer after another, I'll admit I HAD hoped there was something more that a tough, green sprout-thingie at your core!'

'Keep pumping Mildred.'

"You asked me to believe in your stock options, Freddie, and I believed."

"She's got three moods from a previous marriage."

'Well you've finally driven me here.'

'We blow hot and cold. He argues it's too hot and I say it's too cold.'

"I don't know what's worse - my restless feet or her restless mouth!"

'I didn't say anything - that was last year.'

'Stand up straight!'

In the Guru District

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"We'll always have couples therapy."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

Couples' therapy

Newlyweds. . . 10 Years Married. . . 25 Years Married. . . 50+ Years Married.

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

'Great Therapy!'

"She wanted to go to the beach. I wanted to golf."

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"He keeps reissuing everything I take issue with."

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

"The whole time we were dating, he kept saying, 'You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!"

"Yeah. But he's a handful."

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

"There's something I have to tell you."

"Y'know, I don't know what I'd do without her, but I'd sure like to find out."

"When we first started seeing each other, we would always use the same word for snow."

Yeah, you're right. She's playing hard-to-get.

"If I ever start turning into my father do me a favor and don't turn into my mother."

"Do we go out or do we stay home and open a can of worms?"

"Store policy is that I need a note from your wife."