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"Our wedding night was a disaster."

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't know about you, but I'm ready to take this marriage full-throttle."

"I can't wait to introduce you to all the people I used to be friends with, before I started spending all my time with you."

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

This is forever... till death do us part...

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

'Take my advice kid. Enjoy yourself now, because once you get married, your free ranging days are over.'

"Isn't us talking about how I would never take a ballroom dancing class an activity we're doing together?"

'You should have seen the one that got away!'

"Maybe I'm not the best choice to ask if your silly wife cartoons are funny!"

"OK, now what?"

Cheap amusement with... THE HAPPY COUPLE!

'Keep pumping Mildred.'

"Ok, I get it, you're happy and you know it. Now quit clapping."

...If sauce has not begun to thicken after 10 minutes, pour contents back into can and wait for your wife to get home.

'Well if you wanted a garden shed made out of wood or brick, then you should have married one of my brothers!'

"You can count on my unloading the dishwasher in any number of alternate timelines. Now whether it occurs in this one..."

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"Marriage and relationships?...That would be under 'Arts and Science'!"

My wife is the inspiration behind the light speed spaceship - the longer I'm married, the more I want to be the first human who lives on Mars.

"Does it say 'I'm ovulating'?"

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

'You were right, Mum - he only wants me for one thing!'

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

'Answer me one question, would you?' 'O.K.' 'Do you still love me?' 'That's two!'

"Look, hon, I know both of our schedules have been crazy, but I still think we should take time out to consummate our marriage."

"Am i just a stepping-stone to a career in show business?"

'I like waking to music!'

"Now remember - ten paces, turn and fire..."

'Carl still has that new husband smell.'

'May I leave early today, Sir? The market is down and my wife is alone...'