Post-apocalyptic Humorist Pillows

"This may come as a shock to you, but I'm not particularly worried about a zombie apocalypse!"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"Gee, thanks pal."

One vampire tricks another behind a mirror.

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"Yeah, I'm moonlighting. It's a living."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

Dr. Frankenstein creates his newest monster, Frankenmime.

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

"The end of my favorite series is near."

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."

'Transylvania's most famous Optometrist 'Count Mracula'.'

German School

"Johnson, you're new here, right? Mind if I pick your brain?"

"Some Debussy, Igor."

Cat Frankenstein

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

Bank P45's - 'Cashier number 5 please.'

'You're in luck - we do have a temporary position in advertising'.

"You run into a window, too?"

Man with dollar sign on his t-shirt.

'It's a little varietal I bottle myself...Type A positive.'

"I must have pressed the wrong button."