Post-apocalyptic Humorist Gifts

"This may come as a shock to you, but I'm not particularly worried about a zombie apocalypse!"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"Gee, thanks pal."

One vampire tricks another behind a mirror.

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"Yeah, I'm moonlighting. It's a living."

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

Dr. Frankenstein creates his newest monster, Frankenmime.

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

"The end of my favorite series is near."

'Transylvania's most famous Optometrist 'Count Mracula'.'

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."

"I'd like to buy a BOWEL."

German School

"Johnson, you're new here, right? Mind if I pick your brain?"

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Some Debussy, Igor."

'It's a little varietal I bottle myself...Type A positive.'

"You run into a window, too?"

"Well, sir, it looks like things are getting pretty serious for Peter and Pauline."

Cat Frankenstein

'You're in luck - we do have a temporary position in advertising'.

Man with dollar sign on his t-shirt.

"I must have pressed the wrong button."