Portion Size Pundit Gifts

'The food is disgusting.' 'And such small portions.'

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"With the caveat that the only certainty in this life is uncertainty, I still want to entertain the possibility of being a pundit when I grow up."

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"Strawman argument terrorises conversation... News at eleven."

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"We've misjudged the tapas again."

"What's with the Tim Russert act?"

All-Day Breakfast

"You know why they make these straws so big? It's a scam to make you drink fast so you can finish quicker and order more."

'Henry was an undecided voter four years ago when he entered that voting booth, and I'm still waiting for him to decide and come home.'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

Bill hits the ground running, makes a big splash early on, and rides a roller-coaster of insane popularity right into the "Where Are They Now?" Wilderness of Forgotten Celebrities.

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

It's a deal. You give me five analysts, three pundits, seven technicians and a soothsayer. I give you six experts, five professors, four consultants and a prognosticator.

'I thought time was supposed to be money!'

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Glenn Beck?'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

"Summer's here. Do you want to start talking incessantly about tomatoes or corn?"

"Their bookshelves look more convincingly read from than ours."

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

'Let me guess: you and everyone else?'

Apples...37 Spinach...43 Peaches...51

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I neglected to talk over you."

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Boris Johnson lies his way out of trouble

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"