Portion Perfectionist T-Shirts

"I'm Roberto, and I'll be your waiter this evening. This is Carl. He's in charge of portion control."

'To help me stay on my diet, I've hired a portion control officer.'

'The 'Junior-Executive Lunch' comes with a larger dessert!'

Half the calories of a bigger portion.

Diet Plate/Haute Cuisine

"Why can't the rest of you be more like Rollins, here? He does his homework!"

Bullseye!

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

"I’ve seen better metaphors in my litter box."

All-Day Breakfast

'I told you, you were missing a decimal point.'

'I was attracted to you but your online photo, but now that I've seen you in High-Def...'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

Writer

Is it a book? A film? A TV show? How do you mime a podcast?

Poetry repairman

"Wallace couldn't come, but I brought some of his fussy prose."

'Oh, sure, it gets the creative juices going, but is it worth the cost?'

'Excellent. But try it again and this time start your sway at the beginning of the fourth bar, O.K.?'

'Mine was stone cold.'

Cuts, Measurements, Certain, Sloppy

'this is the only place where no one is fooling around with the genes.'

"I asked folks to bring whatever they want, so now we have ten tubs of guacamole, no chips, and eight cases of the most obnoxiously flavored hard seltzer."

'I don't want to be a shepherd. I want to be the policeman who interrupts the play to tell all the mummys and daddys who have parked irresponsibly and dangerously outside to move their cars...'

A tailor measuring a jacket.

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

"Take away his brilliant prose, and he's just some depressed guy."

"Page 33, line 4..."

A conductor practising in front of a mirror.

"They were apparently more advanced than we thought."

'He was taller online!'

Go large or go home!

"Got anything that will expire before I do?"

Writers Block: "Day 24 and still no typewriter!"

"I never go anywhere unprepared!"