Portion Perfectionist Gifts

Actually, it's healthier to eat smaller meals more often throughout the day.

"I'm Roberto, and I'll be your waiter this evening. This is Carl. He's in charge of portion control."

'To help me stay on my diet, I've hired a portion control officer.'

'The 'Junior-Executive Lunch' comes with a larger dessert!'

Half the calories of a bigger portion.

Diet Plate/Haute Cuisine

"Why can't the rest of you be more like Rollins, here? He does his homework!"

Bullseye!

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

"I’ve seen better metaphors in my litter box."

All-Day Breakfast

'I told you, you were missing a decimal point.'

'I was attracted to you but your online photo, but now that I've seen you in High-Def...'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

"Wallace couldn't come, but I brought some of his fussy prose."

Poetry repairman

Is it a book? A film? A TV show? How do you mime a podcast?

Writer

'Oh, sure, it gets the creative juices going, but is it worth the cost?'

'Excellent. But try it again and this time start your sway at the beginning of the fourth bar, O.K.?'

'Mine was stone cold.'

Cuts, Measurements, Certain, Sloppy

I'm filling out my myface.com and I have a question. Rudy Park, tech genius, at your service. Should I pretend to be 10,12 or 26 years old? 32? I configure browsers, not fake personas! I think I'll play for the Broncos.

'I don't want to be a shepherd. I want to be the policeman who interrupts the play to tell all the mummys and daddys who have parked irresponsibly and dangerously outside to move their cars...'

"I asked folks to bring whatever they want, so now we have ten tubs of guacamole, no chips, and eight cases of the most obnoxiously flavored hard seltzer."

'this is the only place where no one is fooling around with the genes.'

"Now I wish we hadn't ordered all those appetizers."

A tailor measuring a jacket.

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

"Take away his brilliant prose, and he's just some depressed guy."

"Page 33, line 4..."

A conductor practising in front of a mirror.

Go large or go home!

Your online profile only lists positive things about you. Of course, a "profile" only shows one side of a person.

'He was taller online!'