Portfolio Dabbler Pillows

Lost Property Trust - For the careless investor.

"I appreciate your devices that make it seem like you're paying attention, but could you actually pay attention and make eye contact so I know you are?"

"I had that nightmare again where everyone found out I'm in my late thirties and still have no idea how the stock market works."

"Ed and Helen's portfolio rose 3 point today on Dave's purchase of 100 shares..."

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

'Let's go and make some unfunded spending committments.'

'The crystal ball says to buy and the 8-Ball says to sell.'

'I sure wish there was a formula for picking the right mutual fund!'

'Now this is a fabulous strategy that has worked flawlessly every year, except for those when it failed miserably.'

'When the school upgraded its operating system, for the third time, I upgraded my headache medicine from over-the-counter to prescription strength.'

"Norman's really into wild paddling."

'What's this? You're suing me because the prescribed medication made you 'irrationally exuberant' in a down market?'

'Are you looking for something in light blue, or dark blue, chips?'

'Those? Oh, they're nothing serious, they're just rumor trembles.'

'Every time I break one of my investment rules, I put $10 in the mistake jar. As of today, it's worth more than my portfolio.'

The Screeeen!

"That's not all I do. Actually I'm a psychological counselor- gymnast-motivational speaker-relaxation therapist-sex worker."

'I can't get the hang of this cloud computing...'

"I've been too busy investing my enormous salary to be bothered running the company."

'When did 'At Ease' become 'Chill'?'

'I don't surf the net, I just kind of dog-paddle through it.'

'I can't decide whether to get a lawyer or tell the truth.'

Negotiations over the new colour scheme had reached stalemate.

Stock Market.

'If we are to differentiate ourselves from the private sector we need to focus on a reorientation of our client-facing interactions to prioritise customer led positive responses to intervention scenarios.'

'I've fallen and I can't get up.'

'No. The last time I tried to get my money to work for me it ran off and left me.'

"Looks like we invested in a dysfunctional family of funds."

'He's at the 'awkward stage' in converting to paperless so he carries both a laptop and a briefcase.'

"You call that an investment strategy?"

"Liquidity is when you wake up one day to see your pension pot has vanished, then you wet yourself."

"My dad can out-invest your dad."

A knitter's in and out boxes

'I'd be interested in any stocks that are Oprah-approved.'

'I've got to get in shape. I visited a fitness website and now I'm sore.'