Ponderer Of Modern Life Gifts

"Talking to your own reflection? Even your imagination is pathetic."

"If a stock falls in the market, and it had no investors, does it really lose its value?"

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

Crap from the future.

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

"I cancelled the cable, turned off the phone, shut down the internet. . . where the hell am I??"

The prophet who changed water into diet grapefruit soda.

Weird things I do because of the internet

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

"Did you get my tweet?"

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Nature speaks to me of God’s presence, yet God is a total stranger to the restless world of men." "Why the #!@* is there no signal?!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"More quarters! For God's sake, more quarters!!"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

Fleeting illusions of happiness hour 5-7

"I didn't say my prayers, but I e-mailed God earlier."

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

Tunnel of TV

'This is suppose to be progress.'

"How is it gendered?"

"The club scene is really changing."

Typical bored kid of the New Millennium

"Nd how did tht mke u feel?"

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

"That's what I love about social media. I can have connections with thousands of people and yet still be completely isolated and alone."

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

"Amazing, eh? Good-looking, dependable, trustworthy, inflatable."

'I've been watching TV all my life. I was born cable ready.'

NOT COVID-RELATED tombstone

"I've been wondering if there isn't some way we could capitalize on the cat craze."

"You're late, Myers!"