Ponderer Of Modern Life Pillows

"Talking to your own reflection? Even your imagination is pathetic."

"If a stock falls in the market, and it had no investors, does it really lose its value?"

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

Crap from the future.

Weird things I do because of the internet

"Did you get my tweet?"

"Nature speaks to me of God’s presence, yet God is a total stranger to the restless world of men." "Why the #!@* is there no signal?!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

The prophet who changed water into diet grapefruit soda.

"I cancelled the cable, turned off the phone, shut down the internet. . . where the hell am I??"

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

"More quarters! For God's sake, more quarters!!"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

Fleeting illusions of happiness hour 5-7

Tunnel of TV

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

'This is suppose to be progress.'

"I didn't say my prayers, but I e-mailed God earlier."

"How is it gendered?"

"The club scene is really changing."

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

"Nd how did tht mke u feel?"

Typical bored kid of the New Millennium

"That's what I love about social media. I can have connections with thousands of people and yet still be completely isolated and alone."

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

"You're late, Myers!"

"Amazing, eh? Good-looking, dependable, trustworthy, inflatable."

NOT COVID-RELATED tombstone

'I've been watching TV all my life. I was born cable ready.'

"I've been wondering if there isn't some way we could capitalize on the cat craze."