Pollster Pillows

"87% of the 56% who completed more than 23% of the survey thought it was a complete waste of time."

'I prefer 'Baby Boomer' over 'Senior Citizen'.'

"Look, we've got to improve our voter-tracking algorithms if we want to make more accurate wild-ass guesses."

'This is interesting, 70% of respondents to our survey said they don't respond to surveys.'

'Thank you for taking part in this poll, sir. Here's the first question: What the heck makes you so arrogant to think your opinion could have any kind of importance, sir?'

'I don't have any political opinions - would you like to hear about my symptoms'

"What I drink and what I tell the pollsters I drink are two different things."

'My opinion? Are you sure I'm supposed to have one?'

Put me down for whoever comes out ahead in your poll.

"Poll numbers remained unchanged today, as people used recent events to reinforce whatever views they already had."

'How long have you been dead? Do you have any complaints about your treatment here? Do you have any suggestions?'

'Shouldn't we be doing this online?'

"Do you think the 'Taliban' is: (a) a cellphone company; (b) a deodorant (c) a terrorist company

LIBERAL MEDIA POLLS, 'Do you think President Obama is doing a great job, a wonderful job, or an absolutely terrific job?'

Opinion polls

"You're statistically impossible - go away!"

Dad learns about the difficulties of Statistical Sampling.

'Please, Ma'am — I'm running out of paper!'

"Our intelligence shows that everybody loves us."

'My mom's a Democrat, my dad's a Republican, and I'm a bipartisan effort.'

"This internet survey is asking me to take another survey rating the survey I'm taking."

'I believe the president is very concerned about minorities. We rich are a minority, you know.'

'I think your son shows aptitude for becoming a pollster. After each Math answer he writes 'plus or minus 10%.''

"If you had an opinion, would you be right or wrong?"

First and last day as census taker...

Pollsters.

'Sorry, sir, but we don't have a category for that.'

'My pollster tells me it's 'position-switchero' time.'

"We were hoping for something other than 'Whatever' as answers to our survey questions."

"I'm sorry, sir, but this survey does not allow for that opinion."

"Your consistency has been very impressive...100% wrong 100% of the time."

Frank integrates the modern, poll-driven, finger-in-the-wind brand of politics into his parenting style.

The focus group thinks it's time you got rid of the beard.

'No, I'm not going to stop back when you have an opinion.'

'I'm a Conservative trapped in a Liberal body.'