Pollster Pillows

"87% of the 56% who completed more than 23% of the survey thought it was a complete waste of time."

'I prefer 'Baby Boomer' over 'Senior Citizen'.'

"Look, we've got to improve our voter-tracking algorithms if we want to make more accurate wild-ass guesses."

'This is interesting, 70% of respondents to our survey said they don't respond to surveys.'

'Thank you for taking part in this poll, sir. Here's the first question: What the heck makes you so arrogant to think your opinion could have any kind of importance, sir?'

'I don't have any political opinions - would you like to hear about my symptoms'

"What I drink and what I tell the pollsters I drink are two different things."

'My opinion? Are you sure I'm supposed to have one?'

"Poll numbers remained unchanged today, as people used recent events to reinforce whatever views they already had."

Put me down for whoever comes out ahead in your poll.

'For the thousandth time, I don't want to take part in a survey!'

'How long have you been dead? Do you have any complaints about your treatment here? Do you have any suggestions?'

'Shouldn't we be doing this online?'

LIBERAL MEDIA POLLS, 'Do you think President Obama is doing a great job, a wonderful job, or an absolutely terrific job?'

"Do you think the 'Taliban' is: (a) a cellphone company; (b) a deodorant (c) a terrorist company

Opinion polls

'Please, Ma'am — I'm running out of paper!'

"You're statistically impossible - go away!"

Dad learns about the difficulties of Statistical Sampling.

Pollsters.

'I think your son shows aptitude for becoming a pollster. After each Math answer he writes 'plus or minus 10%.''

"This internet survey is asking me to take another survey rating the survey I'm taking."

"Shall I put that down as a 'Don't Know' then?"

"Our intelligence shows that everybody loves us."

"If you had an opinion, would you be right or wrong?"

'My mom's a Democrat, my dad's a Republican, and I'm a bipartisan effort.'

'I believe the president is very concerned about minorities. We rich are a minority, you know.'

'Sorry, sir, but we don't have a category for that.'

First and last day as census taker...

Frank integrates the modern, poll-driven, finger-in-the-wind brand of politics into his parenting style.

"Yes, you caught me at a bad time...I'm home!"

'No, I'm not going to stop back when you have an opinion.'

'Final exams are easier if you think of them as exit polls.'

'My pollster tells me it's 'position-switchero' time.'

'I'm a Conservative trapped in a Liberal body.'