Poll Prognosticator Gifts

"It's seasonal, like the first gritters of Winter and the first cuckoos of Spring...the first pollsters of the election!"

'He was just saying that all things come to him who waits and, sure enough, along came a lightning bolt.'

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

"Well, there's nowhere to go but up."

"For my next trick, I shall turn four consecutive quarters of losses into a positive outlook going forward."

'According to the latest poll, 64% of the public don't pay any attention to polls...'

"We have reason to believe there may be some volatility in the fourth quarter."

'That is correct on so many levels Jenkins!'

"Your moon is in the House of Pancakes."

'The popularity polls love what you've done with the budget deficit....moving the decimal one point to the left.'

How is the campaign taking shape? Poseidon is washed up but all the other candidates have a chance. Voters like Cyclops' unique vision ... Mercury delivers his message well ... Ares has support from the defense hawks ... and some say Narcissus is an attractive candidate. Narcissus like the support reflected in polls and loves what he sees reflected in pools!

"Would you like your MP not to stand at the next election?"

"Do I take it that we can't be guaranteed your vote in the forthcoming election?"

Dropping Popularity of Obama.

'Our poll shows the typical voter is all polled out.'

"The latest poll numbers must be out."

'Good news! The stock market is about to explode upwards on...'

'What's my Dad buying me for my Birthday?'

'I see things starting to break your way. Your computer will break down. Your car will break down...'

"I'm undecided, but that doesn't mean I'm apathetic or uninformed."

'And right here the company experienced a cataclysmic event of biblical proportions.'

'Our rivals have issued a big profit warning, so we'll issue an even bigger warning.'

I told you way back in 2015 that Donald Trump would be the next president. You called it. You predicted every twist and turn of the election. It was eerie. What's going to happen next, Randy? What's going to happen to us all? Trump will fund research where they use my DNA to make everyone super hot and super chill, and we'll all live in sweet, sexy bliss. HOJ. I'm not sure whether I predicted the future, or whether the future obeyed me. So that one's just in case. Good thinking.

Climate Change is Real

Trump vs. Biden

How to Game the Popularity Voter Whores

"Your poll results on't look good. You're trailing 'statistically insignificant'."

"The latest numbers are in. More voters want you to drop out than to run."

"Pew researchers!"

'Now do you think that's done any good?'

"Of course, this prediction has a plus or minus margin of error of 80% or 90%."

'In your opinion, who was the worst U.S. president since W.W.II...?'

Put us down as decidedly and definitely more positive than "maybe" but probably something not quite so strong as "perhaps."

'Before you use that information, I ought to tell you that the computer predicted we'd have record profits last year.'

"I'll go out on a limb and say time will tell."