Planning Pundit Gifts

"...Now all we need is a product!"

Town Planning Department

"Do you have planning permission for the extra shoe?"

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"The inhabitants of Pluto today declared Earth not a planet..."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"Aren't you the estate agent who sold us this house?"

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

'Honey, it's the escrow people. They want to know if you could send a stool sample.'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

'The treasury decided to use bob geldof's speechwriter this year!'

Liquidity Lunch

Credit Crunch: Breakfast for Losers.

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

House hunting is cruel.

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

"This plaque shows nine planets, but their transmissions say their system has eight."

'This is how our new no-risk pension scheme works.'

"I told you we should have sold last winter."

'I think you'll all rest easy knowing this is a gated community!'

Mismanagement Consultant.

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

I might have granted your loan request, if it wasn't written on a beer mat.

'Hurry up and enjoy your life as a pensioner! Three.. Two.. One..'

Life plan

"This is our format: Three minutes to present your case, two minutes each for rebuttal, one minute for summing up, and thirty seconds for claiming victory."

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

'Do I believe?? Listen, I believe in anything that generates $400 billion in annual sales!'

Bank of England Base Rates.