Planning Pundit Gifts

"...Now all we need is a product!"

Town Planning Department

"Do you have planning permission for the extra shoe?"

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

'You know the economy's in trouble when the Forbes 400 list of wealthiest Americans only has 350 names on it.'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"The inhabitants of Pluto today declared Earth not a planet..."

"Aren't you the estate agent who sold us this house?"

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

Mister Bundles VS. The Martians - Part Seven

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

'Honey, it's the escrow people. They want to know if you could send a stool sample.'

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

Liquidity Lunch

'The treasury decided to use bob geldof's speechwriter this year!'

Maybe it's time to stop giving our bones to a broker and start burying them in the backyard again.

Credit Crunch: Breakfast for Losers.

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

Al, you know how a lot of people in Britain regretted their decision to leave the European Union? I was just wondering if you ever regretted your decision to leave the human race.

House hunting is cruel.

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

"This plaque shows nine planets, but their transmissions say their system has eight."

'This is how our new no-risk pension scheme works.'

"I told you we should have sold last winter."

'I think you'll all rest easy knowing this is a gated community!'

Mismanagement Consultant.

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

I might have granted your loan request, if it wasn't written on a beer mat.

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

'Hurry up and enjoy your life as a pensioner! Three.. Two.. One..'

Life plan

"This is our format: Three minutes to present your case, two minutes each for rebuttal, one minute for summing up, and thirty seconds for claiming victory."