Pious Practitioner Gifts

Giving Things Up For Lent.

'What are you, some kind of religious nut?'

"Repent" "Give alms" "Resist temptation" "Pray for me" "Fasting" "Acts of service" "Sacrifice" "Abstain" "You are ashes" "You are dust" "No meat"

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

"As a member of the Sunday praise team you are not allowed to "change it up", whenever you feel led."

"Amen. Please help me up."

The Vatican's undercover mission to Antarctica, and some endangered penguins.

Saying Grace.

"...and thank you for sending my guardian angel to protect me from that truck today..."

Priest's x-ray showing his crucifix.

'You've got plenty of time for a little prayer before you get to him.'

"If I ask you something, will you promise not to get mad?"

Give Thanks.

Bishop playing pool, "I like his unholier than thou attitude."

Church of divine healing - Emergency Room.

'I don't understand. I haven't done anything to encourage them...'

'You don't want to show favouritism Bruce-it upsets the others.'

"People are always saying how stupid it is that the bst practitioners are always promoted and make poor managers....but I think that's complete rubbish...He was a lousy practitioner as well!"

'Sorry to interrupt - your monastery is on fire...the IRS wants to talk to you - and something about a missing case of wine.'

'He made it big in the athlete prayer industry.'

How to Succeed in Business - Strategy 2: Build relationships at the highest level.

'I've been praying for a revelation, but nothing happens!'

"So … ribs for lunch?"

"All I have is tofu."

Yoga Class: Position Vacant

A watched kettle never boils.

Lawyer-poet-in-residence

"I don't know if a nap is part of God's plan for me."

Gregorian Monks: Please turn off your cell phones.

"I wonder what we did in a past life that made us all go bald?"

'My spirit guide told me your inner child really needs a speeding ticket.'

'I used to think I couldn't serve both God and Mammon, and then I discovered multitasking!'

'I'm either going to become a vegetarian or start saying grace before meals!'