Pill Poppin' Jokester Pillows

"Those sinus pills you prescribed didn't work, doc...I put three up my nose every day for a week and I'm still congested!"

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

'Take one of these diet pills every time you regain consciousness.'

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

A crab with a utility knife claw

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

"So tell me, Wallace. Has someone gobbled up my Viagra again?" "No. Wait. I thought they were delicious candy mints!"

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

Men dancing

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"You idiots … we lost!"

'These smart pills are overpriced!"

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

'Okay Dad, time to unwind.'

Boy throws a stick for a tortoise. By the time the tortoise returns, the boy is an old man.

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

'As I feared, the X-ray shows that you are crying inside.'

The disgusting, embarrassing sound of a whoopie cushion...

'Tender and Juicy.'

Interrupted Shower.

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

Celebrity Clown Rehab: 'And so how does that make you feel, Chuckles?'

Unselfish by nature - he delights to show the novice where the big chub cruise...and where the best pike lie.

'... and I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those dang meddling kids... that and my incredibly stupid plan. Also in retrospect, I realize my costume was, regrettably, quite lame.'

'And that one painted and forgot to close the curtains.'

Dentists who do appendectomies.

Golf Myth #293--Ball Washer