Pigskin Punter Gifts

'I'm wearing an electronic ankle device. If I take even one step across the line of scrimmage before the ball is snapped, they throw me in the slammer.'

"Football is too dangerous, Junior. Why not follow my footsteps in a safe sport - chasing investment yield?"

'The Wilsons picked up a quarterback in the off-season. The Riveras picked up a quarterback. The Ludwigs picked up a quaterback...'

Football.

"Upon further review, the receiver did not establish a meaningful and personal relationship with the football, therefore it is ruled an incomplete pass."

"Not too much off my back."

'As you can see - it doesn't pay to badmouth the quarterback.'

Stop the big guy!

Cultivating Toughness in Footballs.

'My turn! Kick me next!!'

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

"O.K., let's see what all the fuss is about."

"I'll throw around the 'old pigskin' as long as the pig isn't still in it."

His Other Shtick

'Don't ask me what play to call..I've only got a one year contract...you've got a four year scholarship...you decide what play to call.'

'Uh-oh ... Manning got hit hard, and he's not getting up.'

Headstone in bird cage, "We really loved our budgie.."

'Your grandfather is a cautionary tale, son. He quit school early and pinned all his hopes on an NFL career. But in the end, he was never used in a single game.'

Midnight in Minnesota

'He destroyed his inner balance! ... Get the yoga coach!'

"Why is this quarterback still playing?"

"Holding superstar quarterback accountable—token penalty after the kickoff."

'Quit rushing me.'

'Am I crazy...or does this thing smell just like uncle Earl?'

"Another meeting?"

'Look, I don't know what repulsive smelly thing I just ate, but I know what I like.'

Dibs!

Another football season comes to an end.

'Now that's Hi-def!'

"Oh look, honey, a touchdown. . . oops, that's not your team, is it dear?"