Pigskin Punter Pillows

'I'm wearing an electronic ankle device. If I take even one step across the line of scrimmage before the ball is snapped, they throw me in the slammer.'

'The Wilsons picked up a quarterback in the off-season. The Riveras picked up a quarterback. The Ludwigs picked up a quaterback...'

"Football is too dangerous, Junior. Why not follow my footsteps in a safe sport - chasing investment yield?"

Football.

"Upon further review, the receiver did not establish a meaningful and personal relationship with the football, therefore it is ruled an incomplete pass."

Vikings to the Super bowl.

Cultivating Toughness in Footballs.

'As you can see - it doesn't pay to badmouth the quarterback.'

"Not too much off my back."

Stop the big guy!

'My turn! Kick me next!!'

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

"... and if you guys don't shape up, I'm going to have to start kicking some butt around here."

'Uh-oh ... Manning got hit hard, and he's not getting up.'

"I'll throw around the 'old pigskin' as long as the pig isn't still in it."

'Don't ask me what play to call..I've only got a one year contract...you've got a four year scholarship...you decide what play to call.'

His Other Shtick

Grab your helmet, Jenkins – Coach just called the trick play.

"O.K., let's see what all the fuss is about."

Headstone in bird cage, "We really loved our budgie.."

'Your grandfather is a cautionary tale, son. He quit school early and pinned all his hopes on an NFL career. But in the end, he was never used in a single game.'

NFL Antitrust case...

Midnight in Minnesota

'He destroyed his inner balance! ... Get the yoga coach!'

"Holding superstar quarterback accountable—token penalty after the kickoff."

'Am I crazy...or does this thing smell just like uncle Earl?'

'Quit rushing me.'

"Another meeting?"

'Look, I don't know what repulsive smelly thing I just ate, but I know what I like.'

"Why is this quarterback still playing?"

'Here.'

Another football season comes to an end.

Oakland Raiders, Al Davis.

"Oh look, honey, a touchdown. . . oops, that's not your team, is it dear?"

'Now that's Hi-def!'